male Coke-drinkers beware!

(wherein I demonstrate, succinctly and incontrovertibly, that men who prefer Coke are pansies and Pepsi-swilling chicks should shave their jowls)

A new study suggests that REAL MEN like their mass-produced food products 20% more sugary than women (and that's just to get them to recognize the flavor, so even more must be required to support preferential behavior).

Pepsi is acknowledged to be sweeter than Coke, ergo you are less of a man for drinking Coke than Pepsi. QED.

Next?

same-blog posts

I always wondered what was meant by "same-store sales." Now I know ... and knowing has made me stupider:

Best Buy's same store sales -- an important retail industry metric -- fell 5.3 percent from 2007 for the quarter ending Nov. 29. Same-store sales, which worsened every month in the period, are considered a key indicator of a retailer's health because they measure sales at existing stores rather than newly opened ones.

How about just "established store sales"? Leave it to businessmen to mangle language beyond all relevant meaning.

as it was, shall it ever be

My man, it is always about the timing!

Iraqi reporter pulls a Random Task

Who throws a shoe? I mean, really?

I guess if it's someone from the Middle Eastern country you illegally invaded to pillage oil, then I guess that's not really fighting like a girl ... though it kinda is.

any wonder people mistrust 'free' markets?

Free ... to be as $50bn corrupt or as back-asswardsly bankrupt as the multi-millionaire leaders of the corporations wish their companies to be.

sheeple given driving instruction

No more baa-baa behind the wheel of your ca-a-a-rrr! Otherwise, you'll end up filing some ridiculous claims, like:

“In an attempt to kill a fly I drove into a telephone pole”

"On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke."

"The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again"

"I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment."

"The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention."

"I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way"

"Going to work at 7am this morning I drove out of my drive straight into a bus. The bus was 5 minutes early."

"The accident happened because I had one eye on the lorry in front, one eye on the pedestrian and the other on the car behind."

"I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought."

"I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the hood. I realised the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it with a blanket."

Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident? A: Travelled by bus?


The claimant had collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the claim form were - Q: What warning was given by you? A: Horn. Q: What warning was given by the other party? A: Moo.

"I started to turn and it was at this point I noticed a camel and an elephant tethered at the verge. This distraction caused me to lose concentration and hit a bollard."

"I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight"

"I knew the dog was possessive about the car but I would not have asked her to drive it if I had thought there was any risk."

Q: Do you engage in motorcycling, hunting or any other pastimes of a hazardous nature? A: "I Watch the Lottery Show and listen to Terry Wogan."

"First car stopped suddenly, second car hit first car and a haggis ran into the rear of second car."

"Windscreen broken. Cause unknown. Probably Voodoo."

"A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face"

"A pedestrian hit me and went under my car"

"I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car."

"I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident."

"An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished."

"I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows."

"Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have."

"I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it."

"The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him."

"I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident."

"As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before."

"To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a pedestrian."

"My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle."

"I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull."

"I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him."

"The pedestrian had no idea which way to run as I ran over him."

"I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car."

"The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth."

"The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of the way when I struck the front end."

"The gentleman behind me struck me on the backside. He then went to rest in a bush with just his rear end showing. "

"I had been learning to drive with power steering. I turned the wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going the opposite way."

"I was backing my car out of the driveway in the usual manner, when it was struck by the other car in the same place it had been struck several times before."

"When I saw I could not avoid a collision I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car."

"The accident happened when the right front door of a car came round the corner without giving a signal."

"No one was to blame for the accident but it would never have happened if the other driver had been alert."

"I was unable to stop in time and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passengers then left immediately for a vacation with injuries."

"The pedestrian ran for the pavement, but I got him."

"I saw her look at me twice. She appeared to be making slow progress when we met on impact."

"The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle."

"I knocked over a man; he admitted it was his fault for he had been knocked down before."

what men are like

Brit pop starlet Lily Allen sums it up pretty well:

"I'm not the type to leap on someone. If I fancy someone I'm quite playgroundy about the whole thing, and just punch them on the arm a bit. It certainly breaks the ice. And you keep punching lower and lower until you've got their dick in your hand and then that's it."

the next retail paradigm

We are fast approaching the day when price differentials between online and real-world shops are insignificant. I wonder what will drive consumer behavior in that paradigm? Location won't matter that much (ignoring the differential in shipping costs, which is not often a deal-breaker anyway), and neither will the store. The only stuff you'll need to go to the store for are (likely):

apparel - you have to try some stuff on, unless we get more consistent sizing across (and even sometimes within) brands

perishable food - some food you can easily order online (canned goods), but fresh produce? methinks not

medicine - well, to fill the initial prescription should require some form of identification rigor that is currently beyond the capabilities of the Internet ... that may change soon, but you'll still have to see a doctor to diagnose what's wrong

immediate needs - convenience and construction stores, for instance. If you run out of washers working on the plumbing, you can't wait for parts to be delivered.

Can you think of anything else?

all in your head

Yeah, after 17 years of liberal media whining, some self-serving callous bureaucrats have decided to take that pansy-ass invention, 'Gulf War Syndrome,' and label it a "real" "illness." Pussies. Go take another bullet for your country!

encroaching on our right to idiocy

It's not enough that an 8-year-old shot killed himself by losing control of an Uzi at a gun show in Massachusetts (those liberal scum!), but you rednecks watch out: them minors know what's up, and they're coming to get you, even if you live in a red state! Mwuahahaha

can I bum a fag?

Sometimes people can actually do surprising things.

But the advice remains that you can never really trust a metals trader! :oP

welcome to the machine!

Partly amusing, partly sad commentary on modern life. We're all become technological 'yes' men (or women, or bi-sexual, trans-gendered, hedonistic squirrel-worshippers).

it finally happened

A major mainstream news organization published an article promoting further research into your mom! Stunning!

low-hanging fruit

I be there are a heck of a lot of 'low-hanging fruit' that the government regulators can harvest nowadays!

the sound of breaking glass

OK, so in some ways the British are not nearly as sophisticated as Americans tend to give them credit. Foreign donation scandals by, essentially, frat buddies who enjoy getting so pissed they're randomly violent? Stiff upper lip indeed - it's swollen after you punched me, my good man! lol

However, in other ways, especially in matters of public debate yes, yes they are. Could you ever imagine that bus ad in the US? Heck, Top Gear simply said "NASCAR sucks!" and they were nearly lynched in the South. Fox News, fair and balanced as it is, would never air a "god" vs. "no-god" debate. So much for presenting two sides of an issue.

whither US innovation?

This is the kind of stuff University research would find hordes of undergrads to help study! Why aren't they?

always de-regulation. always.

That's what Republicans stand for. I am surprised, though, that the multi-billion-dollar entertainment industry wasn't able to get their way on this intellectual property initiative ... must be because they're all pinko commie liberals.

it takes a dunce

to deduce she's fit to be vice-commander in chief:

too short

Not the rapper, but this list full of epic Bush fail.

As I've stated before, I disagree with nearly every major decision made / legislation coercively passed by the administration.

America's top export: hypocrisy

This is stunning in its blatancy.

One result of this standoff is that the United States, despite being one of the primary authors of the U.N.'s Convention on the Rights of Children, which specifies that governments must take appropriate measures to protect children from "all forms of physical or mental violence, injury or abuse, neglect or negligent treatment, maltreatment or exploitation," is one of only two nations that have not ratified it. The other is Somalia; 192 nations have ratified it.

Land of the free (to beat your children). I guess us rednecks worry that wife-beating will be outlawed next. If I don't resort to five across the eyes, I don't know how I'd ever convince that fat slut to crap out six more kids. Now, if I hit her too hard and break her three remaining teeth, so she can barely eat for a week, I might get some capital punishment up in harr, and that's no fun.

Go (black and) Blue!

According to my colleague Liz Gershoff of the University of Michigan, a leading expert on corporal punishment of children, the main arguments that have so far prevented us from ratifying it include the ones you would expect—it would undermine American parents' authority as well as U.S. sovereignty—plus a couple of others that you might not have expected: It would not allow 17-year-olds to enlist in the armed forces, and (although the Supreme Court's decision in Roper v. Simmons has made this one moot, at least for now) it would not allow executions of people who committed capital crimes when they were under 18.

All that fancy Ivory talk, bitch, will get the back of your head pulverized by a well-aimed donkey punch. Now stop jawing with that ugly ol' gap-toothed mug of yours and start working them gums on this here "rod."